


Smile Even Though You're Sad

by eastern_westward_home (orphan_account)



Series: Albino Apologies ~ PruCan [2]
Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Angst, Cancer, Death, Emotional Hurt, Heavy Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-21
Updated: 2020-08-21
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:54:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26019100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/eastern_westward_home
Summary: Gilbert has colon cancer. It's supposed to be survivable, right?
Relationships: Canada/Prussia (Hetalia), GerIta, Germany/North Italy (Hetalia), prucan - Relationship
Series: Albino Apologies ~ PruCan [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1888027
Comments: 2
Kudos: 10





	Smile Even Though You're Sad

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah.  
> This is also dedicated to someone. Well, a bunch of people, actually.  
> Honey - rest in peace. I miss you lots, and I wish you were still with us~  
> Len - rest in peace. Chris misses you, we miss you. If Holly's up there, give her a pat on the head for me? Tell her she's a good dog...

There had been something about the albino Prussian that drew Matthew to him like a moth unto a flame. 

Maybe it was his confidence, something that Matthew lacked.

Maybe it was his joking attitude, the way he was able to shrug off practically anything. 

Maybe it was his accent - a thick, German accent. 

Maybe it was all of these things combined. 

Whatever it was, Matthew loved it. He loved Gilbert Beilschmidt more than anything in the world - more than hockey, more than maple syrup and pancakes, more than poutine. 

Gilbert felt the same way about him, even though he scorned marriage.

They would never marry, could never marry. There was a reason for this, and it wasn’t Gilbert’s disliking for marriage.

It was because Gilbert was sick.

He had colon cancer. 

It wasn’t supposed to be fatal.

“I’m awesome!” Gilbert had joked after the incredibly stressful surgery. “I won’t die from some dumb cancer!”

The surgery had worked.

Gilbert, after three years chemotherapy and countless drugs to make him better, was finally free from his cancer.

He wanted to see his family in Germany again, celebrate his success, his victory.

It was only a month, and he had brought pills with him, pills that were supposed to help him.

Matthew had spent that month in Canada, barely able to sleep, his stomach in knots, desperately missing his boyfriend.

By the time Gilbert arrived home, it was too late.

Somehow, that damn cancer had come back. This time, the doctors said that it would be too dangerous to perform surgery. 

They tried chemotherapy. It did nothing. The pills didn’t work, either.

Nothing worked.

When the doctors told them the news, Matthew felt as if he had died right then and there. 

Gilbert tried to appear unaffected. It was only on the surface though. 

Alone, at home with Matthew, he would choke on his cries and his tears, choke until he couldn’t breath, and Matthew would cradle him in his lap, rock him gently, rub his back, and try not to cry. He would always cry, though.

It was hard not to.

...

The weeks stretched into months.

The cancer progressed and Gilbert was put into palliative care.

Matthew spent all his free time by Gilbert’s side.

The drugs that the doctors gave Gilbert made him irritable and uncomfortable to be around, as he would snap at people, and occasionally yell.

If he was in an especially bad mood, he would yell at Matthew, who took the abuse quietly. 

Matthew knew that Gilbert would regret his words later, when he was in control of himself.

It still hurt him, but he tried to stay strong. For Gilbert’s sake.

“I hate this,” Gilbert told him one day. “I hate this waiting.”

Matthew blinked down his tears. He didn’t speak. He _couldn’t_ speak.

“I just…” Gilbert sighed and punched his pillow in frustration. “Hospital food _sucks,_ this bed’s uncomfortable, and I just want to go on a walk.”

It had been one of his better days. When he felt like his old self, not like “a bedridden nuisance”, as he called himself.

Matthew swallowed. 

He took Gilbert’s hand, and squeezed it, _one-two_ pause _one-two._

It was their little code, from back when Matthew had had anxiety.

Two small squeezes, a pause, and another two.

It loosely translated to: “I’m okay, and I love you.”

This time, it just meant “I love you”. 

…

His end was near.

Everyone knew it.

Gilbert was wasting away. He had once been muscular and fit. Now he was skin and bones.

 _Like a newborn bird,_ Matthew thought glumly, thinking of Gilbert’s nickname for him. _How ironic._

...

Ludwig and his husband, Feliciano, made plans to fly in from Germany to say their final goodbyes.

Matthew should have probably been feeling panicked, but he wasn’t. He was just… numb.

He quit his job so he could be with Gilbert for as long as he could, even staying with him as he slept.

Some may have thought of it as “creepy”, but it wasn’t, not really. 

Matthew just wanted to be there for Gilbert when the time came, and Gilbert wanted Matthew to be there for him.

Gilbert had explained that he got nightmares, nightmares where he was alone in the hospital room, and he was in excruciating pain, and screaming for Matthew, but Matthew never arrived.

Even though it wasn’t his nightmare, it scared Matthew too.

 _Can’t let that happen,_ he thought to himself.

…

It was as if Gilbert had been holding out for Ludwig and Feliciano.

As soon as they arrived, they went to the palliative care center, to Gilbert’s room. Matthew was already there, tears silently slipping down his face as he held Gilbert’s hand.

Gilbert managed a weak smile as Ludwig and Feliciano walked in.

“Y-you made it,” he whispered. 

“Ve~” chirped Feliciano, although he had a worried look in his eyes.

“Natürlich bin ich gekommen,” said Ludwig, sitting down opposite Matthew and grabbing Gilbert’s skeletal hand. 

“ ich habe mich in dich verliebt,” mumbled Gilbert, stumbling over the words. 

Then he looked at Matthew, his once fiery red eyes dulled with anguish. 

He opened his mouth as if to speak. Nothing came out. He coughed, tried again. 

Again, nothing but silence.

The room was completely quiet.

Feliciano was the first one to make a noise, which was a hiccough, and Matthew looked up to see tears pouring down his face.

The little Italian whimpered, “I’ll be out-outside- to grab some- some tis-tissues-”

Then he backed out of the room, closing the door quietly behind him.

Matthew turned his attention back to Gilbert.

Gilbert attempted to hoist a smile onto his face, but it couldn’t mask the fear. He was losing, he was _dying,_ and he didn’t want to. He couldn’t - because of Matthew. He had to stay. Losing Matthew terrified him. Losing control terrified him. Now he was losing both.

Gilbert blinked back tears, and squeezed Matthew’s hand instead. 

_One-two._

Pause.

_One-two._

Matthew repeated the gesture.

_One-two._

Pause.

_One-two._

Gilbert started it again.

_One-two-_

The pause was longer than it should have been, and Gilbert’s grip had softened.

Matthew squeezed Gilbert’s hand again, somewhat frantically.

_One-two._

Pause.

_One-two._

There was no response.

Matthew looked from their intertwined hands to Gilbert. The Prussian’s eyes were still open, but his head had lolled slightly to the side.

 _Nonononono-_ Matthew thought.

He blinked, collected himself. _Gilbert cannot be dead._

Across from him, Ludwig gave a wail of despair, a sound that Matthew had never thought possible for the stoic German. 

A nurse bustled in, checked Gilbert’s pulse, declared him dead, and left.

Once she was gone, Matthew leaned over, silent tears cascading down his face, and closed Gilbert’s eyes gently.

"I love you," he whispered.

The hand clasping his seemed to tighten briefly - _one-two-pause-one-two._

It was only his imagination.

**Author's Note:**

> It hurt me to write this.  
> Not just because I'm writing angst, but because I'm summoning up memories that I normally wouldn't.  
> Oh yeah, and I don't speak German, so any faults are mine/google translate.  
> Natürlich bin ich gekommen - of course I came  
> ich habe mich in dich verliebt - I love you (but, like, the platonic version)


End file.
